


Kids in the Hall: Snapshots

by LucianCarter72



Category: Kids in the Hall
Genre: Canadian, Comedy, Humor, script, sketch comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucianCarter72/pseuds/LucianCarter72
Summary: A short collection of sketches featuring classic Kids in the Hall characters.





	Kids in the Hall: Snapshots

Two POLICE OFFICERS (Mark and Bruce) lean against their hood, children playing in a park behind them.

MARK

So did you hear they are legalising marijuana?

Bruce exhales a huge cloud of smoke and has a coughing fit. When he recovers he speaks.

BRUCE

Nope.

The sign indicates we are at “Buddy’s.”

On his usual stool, cocktail in hand, sits BUDDY COLE (Scott), he speaks with his typical, and stereotypical lisp.

BUDDY

You know, some fags are into daddies. Older men. The thing is, what happens when they start becoming seniors and there’s no daddies left. I hope it’s not necrophilia.

He takes a sip.

BUDDY

I don’t understand why some people aren’t into other races, you know, sexually. As for me, I love a Smörgåsbord. And I don’t just mean those hot Nordic boys. But seriously, chemistry happens when you mix different things together. And I love mixing my thing with someone else’s thing.

A pouty look comes over his face.

BUDDY

They won’t let me smoke anymore. Smokers, don’t you miss the mid-90s when you were consider annoying, not worse than Hitler? I mean really, potheads have it better these days. Though I think I feel glaucoma coming on myself.

He crosses his legs.

BUDDY

But at least we shame drunk drivers. I wouldn’t drive a car drunk. I’ve driven a lot of other things while drunk, but not cars.

Another sip, longer.

BUDDY

Back in my day, we met men at bars and baths. Now every hooks up through the internet. If I type more than five words, I ruin my manicure! But what do I know? I’m just an aging queen in Toronto. Which means the bars are open to 2 a.m. but you can’t smoke in them. Which is bad when you start drinking, and worse when you finish in the back room.

He slams the rest of the drink.

BUDDY

And now, with Donald “Tribble hair” Trump in control it seems there’s hatred all over the place. Can’t we all just love each other, figuratively for the most part? Makes me glad I live up here in the frozen tundra. So any cute American boys, if you need to marry someone, I’ll always accommodate a Trump Dodger.

A Vaudeville stage. Two comedians (Dave and Kevin) enter in matching striped jackets and wide brimmed hats. Both carry canes.

DAVE

Hello Mr. Smith.

KEVIN

Why hello Mr. Jones.

DAVE

Say, do you know what you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

KEVIN

No, what do you get?

DAVE

A flat miner!

The audience laughs.

KEVIN

Oh my God! That’s horrible. Who would do such a thing?

DAVE

What?

KEVIN

I mean whether it’s deliberate murder or simple carelessness, a human life has been ended in the most horrifying of ways.

DAVE

I was just-

KEVIN

Can you imagine that horrible second or two? Seeing the shadow coming. Knowing in a mere second your life will end. I shudder to think.

DAVE

Maybe we should move on?

KEVIN

Oh it’s easy to move on. Just one dead person after all. There’s what 40,000 people who die each day? And this isn’t even someone we were close to. But maybe, just maybe, we should take that moment to feel for a fellow human being.

DAVE

You’re the worst straight man in history. You’re fired. Get off my stage.

KEVIN

Fine you callous bastard.

He turns and heads away.

DAVE

I never should have saved you from those seals.

KEVIN

What seals? I answered your ad on Craigslist.

DAVE

Get the hell out of here!

Thirty women stand in an open field.

NARRATOR

Thirty Helens agree:

THIRTY HELENS

You can’t pay too much for a good pair of shoes.

Several individual Helens speak, identified by captions.

HELEN MERCER

You have to be comfortable or you’re not yourself.

HELEN CARTIER

I mean, your feet are what you walk on.

Other Helens around her nod.

NARRATOR

Thirty Helens agree. You can’t pay too much for a good pair of shoes.

The host, Simon (KEVIN), sits behind a clothed table in the center of a dark, evil looking set.

SIMON

Good evening once again and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan, master of evil… And lately I’m a student of calligraphy as well. I think I’m getting quite good, but I can’t say I’m really a “master” of that one yet.

He spaces out for a second, then regains his composure, with a hint of embarrassment showing, before he continues.

SIMON

But now, let us see what new darkness this evening holds. Come forward, Manservant Hecubus!

The bizarre devil-man springs up from behind the table, grinning at Simon and the cameras.

HECUBUS

Good evening my Master. Ready to serve you, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Satan!

Simon does “jazz hands” at this.

SIMON

And now, I, your doctor of diabolism….

HECUBUS

But you’re not really a doctor.

SIMON

Ah but I do. I received my doctorate recently.

HECUBUS

Wonderful Master. And pay no heed to those who say an honorary doctorate is somehow inferior.

SIMON

That’s enough on that subject-

HECUBUS

And what was the prestigious pinnacle of academia that granted you this great honor, Master?

SIMON

Oh I don’t want to brag.

HECUBUS

Oh, but I’m most curious.

SIMON

I think we need to move on now.

HECUBUS

Surely the institution would want its name spread far and wide.

SIMON

You’d be surprised…

HECUBUS

I’m sure it’s a fine Ivy League School.

SIMON

Not quite.

HECUBUS

Perhaps Stanford, the best of the west?

Simon makes frantic slashing motions across his throat in the symbol for “cut!”

HECUBUS

Perhaps a foreign school? Oxford?

SIMON

Let’s just drop it.

HECUBUS

I mean it’s not like it was something ridiculous like Trump University.

Simon’s eyes fly wide in shock and rage.

HECUBUS

Oh sorry master, did I giveaway your dirty little secret?

SIMON

It still counts! And it’s very mean of you to tell tales out of school like that.

HECUBUS

At least I didn’t tell them about your fake knighthood too.

Simon lashes out his index finger to point at Hecubus.

SIMON

Evil!!!


End file.
